The Job Interview
(my first attempt at writing a sketch comedy script, or any kind of script really)
FADE IN
INT. OFFICE — DAY
An INTERVIEWEE is aimlessly wandering around what looks to him like a maze of office cubicles, trying to look for the hiring manager’s offices. The hiring manager spots him.
HIRING MANAGER
Over here!
The MAN is startled, looks around, but still doesn’t know where ‘here’ is
INTERVIEWEE
Excuse me?!! Where?!!
HIRING MANAGER
If you can’t see me, follow the sound of my voice
The MAN blindly follows her voice.
HIRING MANAGER
Closer. Closer.
Not looking where he’s going, his face smashes into the glass door
Bingo!
HIRING MANAGER
INTERVIEWEE
Omigod! I’m sooo sorry
HIRING MANAGER
I’m sure the door forgives you. Take a seat
As the INTERVIEWEE takes a seat, the HIRING MANAGER takes out a file from her desk drawer. She scans what looks like a poorly handwritten job application and a terrible head shot of the INTERVIEWEE. While she is reading this, the INTERVIEWEE starts to restlessly tap his foot, unable to control his nervousness. She tries to ignore it at first, but the taps get to the point where she puts down what she is reading and gives him an icy stare. When the man notices her scowl, he stops tapping. As he opens his mouth to apologize again, the woman cuts him off.
HIRING MANAGER
You look different from the picture you sent with your resume
INTERVIEWEE
Uh, yeah, I don’t take pictures so good. Not really photosynthetic.
HIRING MANAGER
Well. I don’t take pictures so well. And I think you meant photogenic.
INTERVIEWEE
Oh right, right. Photogenic, yeah.
He nervously laughs, trying to cut the tension in the room. Her cold look however seems to maintain it. She sighs, then writes some notes on his resume
HIRING MANAGER
Let’s begin. How did you hear about our opening for a job?
INTERVIEWEE
Well you see, uh, Bob, this guy I know. I think he works for you. He knew that I was looking for some work so uh, he told me that ah, you guys are looking for guys like me, right? And uh, so Bob, I think, told you guys that I was coming, and I gave him my resume, the one in your hand and so, uh, yeah . . . here I am.
After the HIRING MANAGER hears his incoherent rambling, she takes more notes with a scornful look on her face and pronounced strokes of her pen, as if listing all the negative qualities she sees in this man.
HIRING MANAGER
So, Bob, who works for us, referred you. Is that correct?
INTERVIEWEE
Yes, ma’am I-
HIRING MANAGER
Don’t call me ma’am. And next time lead with that.
INTERVIEWEE
Yes ma-
(he almost says “ma’am” again but then awkwardly changes mid word)
-aaan?
With a stone-cold face, she continues the interview.
HIRING MANAGER
What are your biggest weaknesses?
INTERVIEWEE
Well, um, yeah. So, my biggest weaknesses is like, um-
HIRING MANAGER
Weaknesses are.
INTERVIEWEE
Uh, huh?
HIRING MANAGER
You either meant “weaknesses are,” or “weakness is.” Which one is it?
INTERVIEWEE Oh! Uh . . .
(He takes a longer than normal time to decide, visibly annoying the woman)
weakness is.
He says this with “proud-of-himself” smile. Her expressions show the opposite of that.
HIRING MANAGER
Go on.
INTERVIEWEE
Yeah! Ok! My weaknesses is like, um, getting sooo into my work that I, uh, lose track of time, right.
(the HIRING MANAGER slowly facepalms)
Yeah, I work sooo hard that I just like, keep going until midnight, or, even overtime, when everybody is home like, I should go home too, but I’m like naaaah. . .
(He tells this in a very animated fashion, complete with spastic gestures and changes voices as if he is playing imaginary
characters)
I gotta do work until it’s all said and done. Other than that, that’s it!
The HIRING MANAGER does not hide her disdain from what she just heard. He looks at the INTERVIEWEE as if burning a hole through the middle of his eyes. Feeling the burn, he sheepishly grins, and looks down.
HIRING MANAGER
Ok. What are your biggest strengths?
INTERVIEWEE
(Suddenly, the INTERVIEWEE reverts back to his animated, spastic
self again)
Ok yeah, yeah. So, I’m hardworking. I’m reliable. I keep going until the job is done. I’m organized and, um, I put my mind to whatever I’m thinking about and-
HIRING MANAGER
I can do whatever I put my mind to!
INTERVIEWEE
Ummm . . . what now?
HIRING MANAGER
I can do. Whatever. I put my mind to.
INTERVIEWEE
Yeah that, that! Yeah, I do that! I’m also hardworking and-
HIRING MANAGER
You already said that.
INTERVIEWEE
Oh yeah right, right, right, um. Yeah, I’ll do whatever you ask me to. Every time.
Despite continually frustrating and disappointing her, she begrudgingly asks one more question.
HIRING MANAGER
Tell me about the last time a co- worker or customer got angry with you
(emphasizes angry)
What happened?
INTERVIEWEE
Oh, uh, ok. So, uh . . .
INT. WAREHOUSE — NOON
DISSOLVE TO
The INTERVIEWEE and another person are loading crates on a truck. He is narrating the scene as a voiceover.
INTERVIEWEE
(in voiceover)
I was working a shift with this weasel of a guy. A real dirtbag. No professionality whatsoever right. and he was just running his mouth like he was king shit-
HIRING MANAGER
(also on voiceover) Please don’t curse.
INTERVIEWEE
Oh man. Oh wow. Sorry about that. Yeah, he thought he was all that and a bag of chips.
CUT TO
INT. OFFICE — DAY
INTERVIEWEE chuckles at his attempt to sound cool. The HIRING MANAGER does not react
CUT BACK TO
INT. WAREHOUSE — NOON
INTERVIEWEE
Um, anyway, I had no choice, right? We had no choice. We had to work together. That’s just how things go. But every time we did our thing he was like
(close-up shot on weasel mouthing what INTERVIEWEE is saying)
“Blah, blah I’m better at this,” and
“Blah blah I”m better than that,” and “Who does the boss think he is?”
(panning out shot of INTERVIEWEE, weasel and the boss)
But when the boss was around, he was like, “You’re the best boss,” or “Anything you say boss. You’re the boss.” Real snake that guy. But then,
EXT. OUTSIDE — BANK
CUT TO
The INTERVIEWEE, the weasel and the boss are robbing a bank. The employees and customers are down on the ground as the boss circles around them. While the INTERVIEWEE is trying to crack a combination to the safe, the weasel keeps talking.
INTERVIEWEE
When we were doing a simple milk run, the guy kept blabbing and blabbing his mouth saying, “Why the hell do I gotta be lookout? Why can’t I be crowd control? I swear, that Angel Murrieta can be a piece of
CUT TO
FEMALE CUSTOMER on ground next to the boss.
FEMALE CUSTOMER
(mouthed through the INTERVIEWEE’s voice)
Angel Murrieta? Do you mean my husband?
CUT TO
CLOSE UP on the boss, Angel Murrieta’s facemask, expressing surprise.
CUT TO
INT. SAFEHOUSE — DAY
The INTERVIEWEE, the weasel, and the boss rush in as if they’ ve been running from the cops. All three are panting and trying to get their bearing.
INTERVIEWEE
He had to go run his mouth like a
real piece of . . . poop. Cuz of him we botched our job and had to high- tail it outta there. When we got to the safehouse, we we’re all just shocked. The weasel didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to do. Even the boss didn’t know what to do.
Somebody had to make an executive decision.
The INTERVIEWEE shoots the weasel.
INT. OFFICE — DAY
PAN TO HIRING MANAGER visibly shocked face.
HIRING MANAGER
You what?!!
INTERVIEWEE
I, um, whacked him?
CUT TO
The HIRING MANAGER and the INTERVIEWEE look at each other for quite some time. It’s then that she puts his file down, puts her pen down, sighs, and crosses her arms.
HIRING MANAGER
I don’t know who you think you are, but you don’t seem to be the candidate we thought we were looking for. How you’re representing yourself now, is atrocious. Whatever you did before, all the robberies and hits that you’ve done may have worked in the GAMBOA crime syndicate, but here in DEVASTATION Inc. We don’t whack people; we draft contracts for their imminent demise. We don’t rob banks; we strategically redirect resources to fund our future operations. And most of all, we know the difference between “weakness is,” and “weaknesses are!”
The INTERVIEWEE hangs his head in shame, thinking that he really blew his chances to become a henchman in DEVASTATION Inc.
HIRING MANAGER
And that’s a shame because Robert
Kaminsky, the guy who vouched for you, is one of our best employees. He talked you up and down about how you
were one of the best drivers and stick- up men he’s ever seen and how your dogged determination led you to
helping him and his crew steal
$300,000 from the Third National Bank.
INTERVIEWEE
(In a timid but correcting tone) Um, actually, it was $4K
HIRING MANAGER
(her face lights up for the first time)
Oh? Tell me more.
INTERVIEWEE
Uh, yeah. It was more than Bobby said. It was a masterpiece of a heist.
Definitely not like the one I did with Angel and that rat bastard.
EXT. OUTSIDE — 2ND BANK
CUT TO
INTERVIEWEE and Bobby walking around, taking mental notes.
INTERVIEWEE
It took us three weeks to case the joint, memorize which guards changed and when,
PANNING SHOT
INTERVIEWEE and Bobby walk outside the bank, looking at the position of the security cameras
INTERVIEWEE
memorize where the cameras were so we could get away without being seen, and once we put our plan in motion, man .
. . it was a thing of beauty.
CUT TO MONTAGE
Bobby and the INTERVIEWEE burst in the bank with ski masks, yelling at everybody to get down.
The INTERVIEWEE quickly subdues who looks to be a 70 year old bodyguard and controls the other employees and customers.
Bobby pistol-whips the manager to persuade him to open the safe.
The INTERVIEWEE screams out the time while Bobby screams it back.
They successfully get away with the money and take a backdoor route not guarded by cameras and drive way, seconds after the police arrive at the scene.
CUT TO
INT. OFFICE — DAY
The HIRING MANAGER face changes from a disappointed scowl to an approving smile.
INTERVIEWEE
We were outta there in under 5 minutes, just enough time for me and Bobby to bounce.
HIRING MANAGER
Now that is the type of criminal we’re looking for in our criminal organization. Menacing, efficient, and professional. Your interviewing skills could use some work but, I knew from the moment I saw you that you were definitely “henchman” material. You see, here at DEVASTATION Inc., we’re not looking for one-dimensional thugs and thieves who bluntly rob liquor stores, frequent whorehouses and waste their money in gambling halls. We need truly despicable people that can rob, murder, extort, and eventually work up to, well, managing said whorehouses and gambling halls. How does that sound to you?
His confidence beaming, the INTERVIEWER nods in approval at his welcomed confidence.
INTERVIEWEE
Oh fuu…heck yeah! I’m definitely the guy you’re looking for to do those things. I’ve been stealin’ and
killin’ since I was a baby. I’ve got so many ideas right now on how to make so much money knocking up liquor stores, running dice games and showcasing the merch, if you know what I mean. (prostitutes) I am so, so bad. I’m so bad I don’t even bother to toss my beer cans in the recycling bins bad.
The HIRING MANAGER changes from pleased to surprise.
INTERVIEWEE
I won’t let you guys down. You’ll see
HIRING MANAGER
Wait. What did you just say?
INTERVIEWEE
Uh . . . I won’t let you down?
HIRING MANAGER
Before that.
INTERVIEWEE
Umm . . . I’ve been killin’ and stealin’ since I was a baby?
HIRING MANAGER
No, no after that.
INTERVIEWEE
(counting his fingers) Liquor stores, dice games, whorehouses, recycling.
HIRING MANAGER
Yeah that. You’re joking right?
INTERVIEWEE
What me? Recyling? That’s a pain in the ass having to throw shit from one bin to-
HIRING MANAGER
You know what. Our time is up. Expect a call from us sometime in the next week as to whether you’ve got the position or not.
INTERVIEWEE
(dumbfounded as to what happened) Really? Um ok. Thanks very much.
He extends his hand.
HIRING MANAGER
We don’t shake hands here at DEVASTATION Inc.
Again, taken aback he reverts to his unsure self. He slowly plods away from the interviewer’s office. Before he leaves the building, he looks back one last time at the HIRING MANAGER and waves. The HIRING MANAGER smiles and waves back. As soon as he is out of sight she throws his file in the trash. She turns her computer back on and continues to work on the Devastation Inc. website. Right under the site title, the tagline reads, “the first environmentally friendly criminal organization. Because we need to take care of the world we want to dominate.”
